Coming of Age as a Cycle-Breaker

I test my faith when I break cycles. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't quite figured it all out yet. And that's okay. In fact, remaining in the grey area of the unknown is how I like my life to be. This creates space for flow, influx, change, love, influence, opportunity.

For me, healing required regulating my nervous system in chosen (and universally forced) isolation. However, my true strength is revealed to me when I maintain this regulated state under pressure. And it feels real gosh darn good to do it.

This is my coming of age as a cycle-breaker.

We've all reacted poorly. We've all been the villain in someone's narrative. How else do we learn right behavior? Isn't your early 20's for gaining ops anyways?

The shocker is many people never learn. Or rather, many people do not choose awareness over ignorance. A cycle-breaker is someone who chooses awareness. Many before me have warned, it is not an easy nor straightforward path, but it is the way.

I have been disliked, by my own blood, for choosing peace.

I have been disappointed in myself for resorting to base behaviors.

I have hurt others by repeating unhealthy cycles.

It’s important to remember that coming of age as a cycle-breaker is a never-before-walked path. I am the fresh tracks in the snow, trudging through. Sometimes it is pure defiance and determination motivating me to stick to it. Cue "Surviving on Defiance" by Poppy...

Feel seen listening to surviving on defiance by Poppy.

The root of my struggle has come from a lack of trust in my own intuition.

I was undermined, questioned, and outright denied during my formative years. This led me to perform as a people-pleasing woman with no needs. Yes, this role was encouraged to me out of love, but I've grown to question what kind of love is this? Is this the type of love I want to define my life?

I truly never stopped to contemplate what my needs are until I was 24 years old. Like for real!!! And if reading that sentence made you feel a little shame, transmute that into a revelation. What are your needs? Where can you fulfill them?

A downloadable, fill-out-able, my needs web. Place your needs in the center of the web and where you can fulfill them at the edges. An example is "creativity" and "craft nights." Hand-draw this in your journal or make it your phone background. You do you!

Before the pictured-above-life-changing-journal-sesh, deep insecurity had me choosing to partake in some fucked up situations. But you know what? I also got myself out of those situations. I chose uncomfortable self-reflection over stagnant repetition and over an oldie but a goody - avoidance. For that I am proud. Plus, I have some pretty good stories to tell.

I have read online that no-one understands the mountains you've overcome to get to where you are now. And it's true. Each person reading this has overcome monumental pains, struggles, and victories that I'll never know about. I can't understand what it took to become the version of you I meet today.

It's such a beautiful token of life to have the self-validation to see your own growth. Take the token.

With that, I'm so thankful I changed my life. I'm thankful I discerned my own needs. I'm thankful I took risks. I'm thankful I accepted meditation when it continued to knock at my door.

I'm glad I made mistakes, embarrassed myself, and learned accountability. I'm glad I'm not that insecure version of me anymore. While part of my healing was hating that version of myself, the most magical transformation of all is alchemy - the ability to transform pain into light. I love insecure me now. She was trying so hard to feel safe, to find her place in the world, she just didn't know how! And now she knows (kind of…)!! And that insecure version of me no longer needs to work so hard to stave off betrayal and embarrassment. She can rest now!!! RIP, bitch!

Sometimes figuring out who you're not goes hand in hand with returning to who you are.

And the greatest gift is I get to embody this wisdom with everyone I meet by simply being the version of myself I love and appreciate. To me, this is the artful practice of life.

This cycle-breaker thinks she's sexy and powerful when she's rooted in deep peace and security. She takes care of herself by fulfilling her needs. She's capable of walking away from circumstances not meant for her. She's tapped into love and gratitude and sees the beauty in everyone she meets.

This cycle-breaker sure is a WickedddBitch. :)